Published February 27, 2009
Standing on foreign ground
To distant to recieve your warming rays.
The ice on my barren surface
Wraps around me like a frozen blanket
Ever longing for you to come nearer
And release me from this lonely prison.
Here I stand, an outsider in your eyes.
Alone and unnoticed, on the edge of your sight.
And as I sit here and solemnly remember
About the times you considered me one,
I ask that pivotal question:
Am I still your equal?
Or do you render me as none?
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Canary word: Present
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141,440 Literary Works • 674,432 Reviews
only one thing i think you should change, and that is that in the second line it should be "too"
other than that I found everything perfectly fine! I really liked this and totally got the meaning of it and the feeling behind the words.
you're realllly good and i say keep writing!
Hi there! Welcome to YWS! I'm a critique this for you, 'kay?
Ah, yes. Dear Pluto. Stupid scientists. Pluto is SO still a planet.
But seriously now, great job! Just a few technical issues, but that's all.
Hmm, wellll~
I like it, it's a nice idea~ I don't know what to say, I'm hopeless at reviews... *Doomed* But,
is how it should be ^_^
And, haha, it's probably not important, because it's just a figure of speech, but you say 'Standing on foreign ground' then 'As I sit here' hehe, I just think that's quite funny. I told you I'm hopeless...
Oh, and I think
Might sound better as 'time'...?